I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm at about main and main street
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
