My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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