What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
