We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Randomize