you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
