what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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