Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
