I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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