Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
