I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
