it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
