someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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