Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
