my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
