Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
