I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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