He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I wish you could order shots online.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
