I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Come share oat with me in your robe
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
