i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
