mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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