Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
