Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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