Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
