wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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