I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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