1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
