if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Randomize