I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
