Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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