Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
please come you make the beer taste better
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize