oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I still have a little drunk in my system
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
