at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Do you have feelings for this penis?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
