.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
