that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
