She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have grass duct taped all over my body
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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