i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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