remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize