Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
