Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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