wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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