I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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