You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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