Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
