I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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