i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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