he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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