Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
