That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
