I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
