thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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