I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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