i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Randomize
