i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize