Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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