i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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