I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
