I just saw a hot homeless man
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize