I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
