Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
