I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize