wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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