yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Randomize
