Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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